someone help jessica simpson! she's been shot! in our dreams. nah, she's just wearing some awful jackson pollock-inspired couture top. oh well.

brad pitt and angelina jolie are on the fast track to becoming mr. and mrs. offscreen as well as on. according to some reports, they recently shared a suite in palm springs' le parker meridien hotel under the names bryce and jasmine pilaf. if the porn star-esque pseudonyms are any indication, things must have gotten pretty kinky.

is halle berry getting hot and heavy with heavy d? all this has got heavy wondering: now that he's found love, what is he gonna do with it?

as oprah's old theme song exclaimed, she's every woman. so now it seems she's playing the role of single woman. star is reporting her romance of 19 years with stedman graham is on the rocks. serves him right: he should have forced a ring on that finger of hers years ago.

omg, gag me with a spoon. the information you so didn't want to have.

it seems elisha cuthbert's the latest victim of the body snatchers. wonder how thighs feels about seeing his lady love in such rough shape? admittedly, though, we probably look like a zombie when we're doing electronics shopping at best buy too.

britney spears may hate the "false tabloids," but she does listen to them. it seems she was very upset by the idea that her "fine hubby" kevin federline may have been prancing around las vegas on the arm of a vip escort last weekend. the story caused her to get into a big argument that ended with britney in tears and kevin being kicked to the curb. don't fret, though. if these pictures are any indication, the volatile couple has already kissed and made up.

more demi and ashton baby and wedding fodder

say it isn't so. mary-kate olsen may be returning to the west coast next year to study at ucla. we'd better make it nyc soon if we ever hope to have an mk sighting. on a side note: the move may be good for her puppy, luca. i mean, who buys a labrador in nyc? runyon canyon is a much better place for her.

while it must be hard for jennifer lopez to cope with the peta campaign against her, it's nice to see that her butt is taking it all in good stride.

here are the answers to the celebrity baby name game, presented by coco cox-arquette. score yourself and see how you did.

1. p
2. s
3. i
4. f
5. c
6. u
7. l
8. g
9. o
10. d
11. q
12. h
13. a
14. m
15. n
16. b
17. k
18. w
19. t
20. e
21. x
22. v
23. r
24. j
25. y

25-17: false tabloid - either you've been reading star magazine since you were in the womb or you did a little research on this one. either way, those celebrities better keep their babies away from you if they don't want a lindbergh situation on their hands.

16-9: "access hollywood" watcher - you keep up with the celebrity baby names, but only when they're new. you don't care what some crusty old fogy like farrah fawcett named her kid. you leave that kind of stuff to the weekend "et" viewers.

8-0: clueless - why are you even reading britpoppa?

why is it so fulfilling to watch a celebrity eating? we don't know, but we're really getting a kick out of seeing gwen stefani eat a burrito.

us weekly is reporting that guy ritchie is frustrated with his wife madonna's need to be in charge. he really should have known going into that marriage that he would not be the one wearing the trousers.

speaking of kabbalah enthusiasts, look who's joined the red string club.

kevin federline sure isn't acting like a father-to-be. he's been spotted out with vegas "vip escort" vanessa hulihan again. the back-up dancer and britpoppa commenter spent the weekend hitting the hot clubs and getting frisky. according to one eye-witness, vanessa sat on kevin's lap while he caressed her inner thighs. at one point, k. fed loudly exclaimed that he didn't want to have a baby with britney and that, should they ever divorce, he wants to move to vegas. someone better watch out if they want to stay on the spears payroll.

how does a dude as butt-ugly as jack osbourne score such a hot chick? if her balenciaga bag is any indication, she's not in it for the cash. so that leads us to jack's t-shirt: she must be a drunk slut.

courtney love will deep throat something other than a bottle of pills soon. she is going to have the lead role in a biopic about legendary porn star, linda lovelace.

who would have guessed? naomi campbell has beaten another assistant out of a job. someone should really get this woman on zoloft.

mary-kate olsen has more than she bargained for with her adorable chocolate lab puppy, luca. according to in touch, the little rascal has been peeing all over her soho loft. in true millionairess style, m-k got someone else to deal with the problem and hired a trainer to potty train her pup.

hey gwyneth, you're a trim gal and all, but i don't think those shoes are quite your size. ms. paltrow shops for apple at babystyle in santa monica (the same store where britney's pregnancy speculation began all those months ago).

beck's new cd, guero, is out today. you've probably had it for months now, but we'll be hearing it for the first time after we pick it up tonight.

it's a slow news day. you'll have to be satisfied chewing on this tidbits. hope you packed your lunch today.

read one account of why ben affleck and jennifer lopez broke up. let's just say he probably tells garner to stay away from the wow chips.

new harry potter pics

lindsay lohan exactly how we want her - all wet

more proof that you can't get anywhere without connections

barbara bush dating bob "the bachelor" look-a-like

ashton kutcher's red string bracelet digitally removed from guess who

"surreal life 5" cast announced: balki!

britpoppa's been bad - we've been letting 2001's gossip hide away in 2001 where it belongs. but now we're being very bad - we're emptying all of that dirty laundry from the hamper and airing it out for your pleasure.

four years ago, the water coolers were buzzing with the news that:

steven soderbergh claimed that he could teach anyone with a brain how to direct a film in an hour. unfortunately, his plan to create a seminar on that very subject failed to come to fruition as no one with a brain actually wants to direct.

julia roberts's old dentist had given away hundreds of tubes of toothpaste. he had promised to give out the paste should any of his former patients win a big award. though julia took home her oscar the previous sunday, she failed to mention her dentist in the acceptance speech.

hugh jackman was using his experience filming the romantic comedy someone like you to do something he'd always dreamed of - go home with a woman. the actor claimed that when he was dating, he'd always bring women back to his place. at least the movie made that fantasy come to life - it certainly did nothing for his career.

on march 28, 2001:

julia stiles reached her second decade.

vince vaughn turned 30 + 1.

brett ratner turned 32.

reba mcentire turned 46.

dianne wiest turned 53.

mike newell turned 59.

maeve binchy turned 61.

there are few things that britpoppa loves as much as babies. they're adorable (like mr. james wilke broderick here). but it's pretty hard to work babies into a celebrity gossip blog. until now. our latest game asks you to match the crazy baby names to the crazy celebrity parents. come back wednesday evening to see how you scored.

1. phoenix
2. tallulah, rumer, scout
3. mingus
4. moon unit, dweezil, ahmet, diva
5. banjo
6. assisi
7. blue angel
8. pirate
9. cruz, brooklyn, romeo
10. jaya, ellery
11. ireland
12. chastity sun, elijah blue
13. zowie
14. indiana august
15. enzo
16. sailor
17. satchel
18. redmond
19. caspar
20. denim, diesel
21. cosimo
22. ezra, tzporia
23. audio science
24. pilot inspektor
25. seven sirius

a. david bowie
b. christie brinkley
c. rachel griffiths
d. ben harper, laura dern
e. toni braxton
f. frank zappa
g. jonathan davis
h. sonny bono, cher
i. helena christensen
j. jason lee
k. woody allen, mia farrow
l. the edge
m. casey affleck, summer phoenix
n. patricia arquette
o. david and victoria beckham
p. mel b. (scary spice)
q. kim basinger, alec baldwin
r. shannyn sossamon
s. demi moore, bruce willis
t. claudia schiffer
u. jade jagger
v. taylor hanson
w. ryan o'neal, farrah fawcett
x. beck
y. erykah badu, andre 3000

hmm, maybe jessica simpson and britney spears should tell scarlett johansson about the wonders of proactiv. or could it be that scar's gone zitty for her man? jared leto was acne-prone cameron diaz's long-term flame - maybe he has a blemish fetish.

we know you have steamy dreams about what it must have been like to deflower seth cohen. we know you want to have a million of adam brody's babies. we know you have a voodoo doll with rachel bilson's picture glued on. no wait, that's us. still, in case you're at all curious, here's what his high school girlfriend has to say about dating him (via oh no they didn't).

here's proof that becoming world famous at the age of thirteen really does stunt your growth: kimora lee simmons reportedly licked all of the donuts that were delivered to her old show, "life & style" in order to make sure no one else would eat them.

brad pitt tries to cope with the fact that jennifer aniston has filed for divorce by possibly signing on for the "dallas" movie. at least it sounds like a rebound decision to us. even with catherine zeta-jones.

has madonna gone back to her catholic roots for easter? nah, she and guy ritchie are just attending a kabbalah costume party. next time, she'll be the red string bracelet and he'll be a pocket zohar.

cover girl? more like girl on girl. the new york daily news claims they're clearing up the rumors that "antm" eva pigford is gettin' her freak on with missy elliott, but really just spreads the rumor our way. now we're really rethinking girl's relationship with ann.

aaron carter and lindsay lohan should really get back together. they have so much in common. they've both had some car trouble (her in the wacky new herbie movie and him with that little explosion a few weeks back). they both have some embarrassing adolescent moments in the spotlight (his, hers). and now they both have parents publicly alleging that they're drug addicts. plus, if her exploits this past week are any indication, she has no problem hooking up with exes.

cameron, no one likes to go "trippin'" with a grumpy pants. ms. diaz flips her signature bird while waiting for her musical manchild outside the waldorf astoria. her new show premieres on mtv tonight. we'd give you the link but the mtv website is mia.

umm, weirdest movie ever. but really, what do you expect from the man who claimed that oscar wilde was an alien?

speaking of velvet goldmine, christian bale's wife had a baby girl last night. we didn't even know he was married. time to begrudgingly cross another one off the list.

andy roddick: really resourceful.

will someone please tell us how anyone can look this skinny just five weeks after giving birth? never mind, we've figured it out - victoria beckham was never pregnant to begin with. did anyone actually ever see a bump? we think cruz must have been adopted.

bravo: you did surprisingly well in the match the t-shirt to the celebrity game. we knew you'd all get britney - i mean, duh! but stephen dorff proved more challenging. many of you thought he was kevin federline. congratulations, rob, for fingering (figuratively, thank god) the dorffmeister. we are quite impressed. some livejournalers also guessed dorff (and ben affleck). identifying the shirt maker proved more difficult. one of you said juicy couture, but dorff would never wear juicy. many knew where britney purchased hers, kitson. you'd do better to get yours from the creators, though. while "trendyville" - as one of you called kitson - sells the shirt for $28 (and is backordered on them), vintage vantage - the awesome brand that made both shirts - has it for just $18.99. score! fyi: we do not work for vintage vantage and this is not a sales pitch. we just think they're awesome.

dress like the stars:
become an award winning wife
go to el salvador

remember the days when a picture of britney spears in a bikini tossing her hair was super hot? here's definitive proof that those days are over. and if that's not enough for you, britbrit is planning on taking a summer job as a waitress. can't wait to see all those mother chuckers lining up at jj chill's for a britney blizzard.

paula abdul: insane in the membrane
penelope cruz: dumb as dirt
david beckham: scary as hell
sandra bullock and sister: butt buddies
ashton and bruce: underpants pals

it looks like the tabs weren't satisfied with merely speculating pregnancies for reese, britney, j.garn, j.lo and demi - apparently kate hudson is now knocked up as well.

don't let her demure appearance as joey potter fool you, katie holmes is a bitch and a slut (not that we have anything against bitches or sluts, some of our best friends are both). just weeks after announcing her split from fiance, chris klein, katie's been spotted in the arms of fellow midwesterner, josh hartnett. perhaps a high-profile hook-up would do both their ailing careers some good (via oh no they didn't).

is paris stepping out on paris? though at first glance, this picture makes it seem as though miss hilton's arms have gotten awfully bulky and tattooed in the last couple of days, that hand on her leg actually belongs to dave navarro (whose head is visible in the corner). let's hope carmen electra learns a thing or two from paula abdul and starts a cat fight over this thigh-grazing incident. that would be, to quote ph, hot.

r.i.p. morty seinfeld.

the fact that one of you identified the mystery boots in britpoppa's semi-weekly celebrity guessing game as marc jacobs got us thinking: you can probably link much of the stars' clothing with the correct designer. so here's a new game for you to play - with two different skill levels. part one: match the t-shirt to the celebrity that wore it. part two: name the label that made the shirt (in this case, the same label made both shirts). okay, the first one is practically a giveaway, but considering no one guessed the boot-wearer this week, we had to throw you a bone. come back friday for the info!

work is just too boring, so we're back (in a less exhaustive form). basically we got sick of feeling the need to post about celebrities that normally wouldn't even be a blip on our radar. we would all be fine if sandra oh, denise richards and melissa joan hart fell off the face of the earth. from now on we're basically sticking to the young, troubled and beautiful (because while skipping over page six was refreshing for the first couple of days, it left us feeling kind of empty after a while). expect more revamps and hopefully quirkier coverage in the coming weeks. until then, enjoy!

let's ignore the fact that matthew mcconaughey looks stoned in this picture. he always looks stoned and he probably always actually is stoned. no, what we're interested in is the light fixture attached to his head. perhaps matt is more self-aware than we gave him credit for. after becoming the certified "next big thing" back around 1997, his career has been less than enviable. the upcoming sahara with gal pal, penelope cruz is by no means an exception. so we think that matthew has accepted the fact that he is now on the a minus list by deciding to eschew acting for a more practical (though no more stable) career as a miner. either that or he's preparing for a role as a miner in his next "hit" film. anything is a step up from reign of fire.

we are so stoked. it seems two of our favorite hollywood couples (for vastly different reasons) may be getting back together. well actually, one of them may never have split up to begin with.

according to in touch, jake gyllenhaal and kirsten dunst have actually been together over the past few months. they merely faked their break-up back in july to get a little privacy. excellent. we were so sad when we thought they were over.

meanwhile, lindsay lohan appears to be getting cozy with wilmer valderrama again. okay, someone has their facts wrong here because while people says that the ex loves did some chatting at last week's snl after-party, just they other day, page six said lindsay specifically avoided the after-party when she heard wilmer would be there. were any of you there? did lindsay attend said party or skip it? we need the dirt, people. we just think the world is a better place when 25-year-old latino character actors are dating 18-year-old bombshells from long island. if you find yourself in either of those categories, please match yourself up with the corresponding opposite asap!

we've said it before and we'll say it time and time again - the british press is so retarded. i guess kelly brook wasn't out in a cleavage-baring dress last night, so they had to rush this extremely news-worthy item instead. i mean wtf?

the caption for this great picture of tobey "grizzly adams" maguire has him attending a meeting of the lion's club. what's up with these men's clubs anyway? according to the boy, the freemasons basically own america and part of the reason we wanted to try and transfer to yale was to find out more about the skull and bones society. unfortunately, the lions club is far less interesting. we should have suspected as much - they're responsible for the eyeglass recycling bin at the library for chrissake. guess tobey's only mysterious in the movies.

yes! we win! we finally found one that stumped you. while one of you knew the boots were marc jacobs, no one managed to pin them down to marc jacobs fan, hilary swank. phew, we really thought we'd lost it. not to rub it in or anything. keep your eyes peeled for a new guessing game soon (like maybe even tomorrow).

your guesses: lilly cole, jane fonda, kate hudson, nancy sinatra, kate bosworth and sienna miller.

britpoppa's going through a little bit of an existential crisis. you know, a sort of "what is our purpose here?" kind of thing. just like britney has been experiencing for the last couple of years (here she is on monday "enjoying" a birthday party she threw for kevin). don't worry, we're not leaving you for good - we're just longing for the days when britpoppa was fun and not a job. expect some sporadic updates and maybe some more games while we ponder things over. in the meantime, for your gossip updates, hit up the bosh (where we write for $), pink is the new blog, golden fiddle and oh no they didn't. we'll be back soon.

britpoppa's out sick. rough weekend. still we're pleased to present you with britpoppa's semi-weekly celebrity guessing game. if you all manage this one, we may have to retire the game because you're way too good for us. so which fashionista has been walking the dog in burgundy military boots?

demi and ashton are so close, they even share their clothes. we wonder if rumer is knitting up an identical scarf for her new bro or sis.

paula abdul is a cold-hearted snake. she was allegedly the driver in a hit and run accident last december. paula, hit and runs are bad news. remember what happened to andrea zuckerman?

we love girls with freckles. why do they have to cover them up? can anyone explain this to us? here are some freckled hotties: rachel bilson, lucy liu and lindsay lohan.

michael jackson loves bart. yes, in that way. no wonder he always aired his new videos after "the simpsons". i heard he has his eyes on the little green sprout now.

p. diddy is expanding his empire to include a line of "pimped-up" cars. you can buy one on july 1st if you have $85 gs burning a hole in your pocket. up next: sean john tp.

from the looks of it, it won't be long until gwyneth paltrow suffocates little apple in an attempt to save her from the brutality of the paparazzi. that would be ironic, huh?

jennifer and vince, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. miss aniston is rumored to have a crush on her co-star in the upcoming movie, the break-up, vince vaughn. can you blame her? pudginess aside, he is still kind of money.

it's official. heidi klum will be giving birth to a seal cub in about seven months. duh. i mean, we so called this on monday.

kevin federline: the l'uomo vogue shoot. what to say. at least it's true to life.

now that his feud with the game is over, 50 cent has a new brother on his hit list. samuel jackson refused to be in 50's movie because he hasn't proven himself as an actor. watch your back, sam. dude's been shot 9 times, i don't think you want to mess with him.

if mischa barton and brandon davis weren't so unquestionably irritating, we might almost think they looked sweet here, swimming in santa barbara. luckily they are unquestionably irritating. get a room, you guys.

"baywatch" and credibility. now most people would find the combination to be a bit of an oxymoron. but the impossible may happen as steven spielberg is interested in doing a movie version of the show best known for its T&A. perhaps he'll take a page from his own book and film the movie in black and white, except for the red swimsuits.

this is bad news for all those little girls who wanted to wear assless chaps and ringlets on the first day of school next year. christina aguilera has been dropped by the clothing company that planned to do her line. they were upset over her comment that celebrity clothing lines are "tacky".

chloe sevigny: "i just hate when girls have sex with their bras on in movies." we do too, babe. maybe we can forgive you for all those heinous outfits you've worn over the years. come over to our place this weekend. we can start a petition against bra sex in movies.

well it seems the eagles were right, hell has frozen over. i mean, what else could explain the fact that kelly osbourne actually looks kind of hot here. maybe the picture on her new album cover actually is her and not gaby hoffman (via pink is the new blog).

lil kim, big lies. the oft-scantily clad rapper has been convicted of perjury and faces up to 20 years in jail. we hope to see her in a poncho after she's released.

mario vasquez: totally starstruck. jessica and ashlee simpson: mega bitches. you'd think ashlee would be down for getting wilmer jealous with his look-a-like. also bitchy: paris hilton.

mariah carey claims she was a virgin when she married tommy mottola. right and the cover of her new cd isn't airbrushed either.

hey gwen. look, babies are fun. now go and get knocked up before that husband of yours finds someone else who will.

save this image - you're unlikely to see it ever again. kate bosworth eats! and not a salad, an omelet! with ketchup! maybe she doesn't need to read this star article after all.

speaking of skinny birds, kylie minogue has had a nearly $10,000 corset commissioned for her upcoming tour. the tummy-trimmer will bring her already tiny waist down to only 16 inches.

milla jovovich won't let just anyone wear her line of jovovich-hawk clothing. she is planning on opening a greenwich village boutique soon, but it's by appointment only. sorry ladies.

the grannies are having babies. comedian molly shannon and actress edie falco are both new moms. molly had her son, nolan on tuesday and edie adopted her son in december. both women are in their early forties.

nicole kidman steps out with infamous bad boy, steve bing. stay away from him, nic! he's no good for you (or anyone for that matter).

quote of the day - snoop dogg: "I'm trying to become the black Tom Cruise. He just tells the motherf**ker what he wants and they get it done." amen, brother.

rudy huxtable is a grown up and maxim has the pictures to prove it. we think they're hot enough to provoke her tv dad to slip her some roofies (via pink is the new blog).

acting skills aside (those aren't important in hollywood anyway, right?) why is matt damon famous? he looks like any other post-college frat boy type. they might as well cast this guy in the next bourne identity flick.

the creepy crawlies in constantine may not have been special effects. crew members claim that the set they worked on was haunted. spooky.

oh it's so hard being j. lo. we really feel for you girl. no seriously, we feel so sorry for you. it must suck never having to buy tootie fruities instead of froot loops.

we have to admit it, anna kournikova is luscious. look at those lips. aside from the fact that he has to deal with how much he sucks, enrique iglesias is a lucky man.

britney on broadway? miss spears has her sights set on playing a part in the musical, wicked. but would she be glinda or elphaba? since hilary duff is also up for the part, we're thinking glinda. we hope britney snags the role. remember, that play was "really life changing" for her. but she probably won't be able to do it if she's pregnant.

got a fat fetish? then mr. spock has a book for you. leonard nimoy is about to publish a book of hefty hotties in erotic poses.

it seems like lindsay lohan's new flick, just my luck is trying to establish itself as "sex and the city: the next generation". lindsay is carrie/miranda, samaire armstrong is samantha and that other chick is charlotte. also on the "sex and the city" imitation band wagon are destiny's child. they plan to spoof the show in their new video.

sorry we're late with the answers to britpoppa's semi-weekly celebrity guessing game. those boobs belong to shannon elizabeth (and, to the delight of men the world over, no longer to joseph reitman). they do not, however, belong to penelope cruz, jada pinckett-smith or teri hatcher. thanks again to the reader who supplied this week's picture. if you have one for us, send it to britpoppa at gmail dot com.

head for the hills! it's evil kelly clarkson and she's thirsty for blood! we hear she's been waiting a lifetime for a moment like this when she can unleash her monster vengeance.

want to email your secret nerd crush, gideon yago? hit him up at gideonyago@hotmail.com. sure, he'll be expecting a message about his stolen laptop, but we're betting you can win him over with all those poems you've written about him over the years (ie, yago a go-go, ode to mtv news, osidian gideon).

seems like johnny knoxville has lost his shot with lindsay lohan. she got super pissed at the "jackass" when he ditched her outside a new orleans bar that wouldn't let her in. at least he has jessica simpson to fall back on.

though numerous tabloids are reporting that kate bosworth and orlando bloom have gotten back together, we hate to tell you that this is untrue. kate was merely meeting with orlando to pick up and visit with his dog.

is that jared leto or a member of kings of leon. we can't tell the difference. don't you just love a hipster in a western shirt?

don't put ashton kutcher in khakis or he might offend you. that's what happened when he was asked to start the daytona 500 last month. now the gap is really rethinking that summer 2002 ad campaign. oh, and it looks like his girlfriend (though women in their 40s really shouldn't be called girls, should they?), demi moore is definitely pregnant.

you can blame paris hilton for pretty much anything these days - case in point: nick carter blames his heiress ex for his drunk driving arrest earlier this month. apparently he's still drowning his sorrows over their break up last year in alcohol.

it appears as though jane fonda's own life inspired her erotic cult film, barbarella. she reveals in her upcoming autobiography that the movie's director, and her ex-husband, roger vadim often forced her into orgies with other women.

you know, pink, you're a rebel and all, but you really shouldn't be smoking while you're pregnant, okay? not to mention the possibility of cigarette burns on your new yves saint laurent purchases.

the musical manchild is ready to expand his empire. justin timberlake is going to launch his own record label. and he's working on his second solo album (finally).

god should really teach nicole kidman about the purpose of prayer. the actress claims that, as a child, she used to pray to be turned into a witch. the man upstairs made her an ice queen instead.

drew barrymore continues to rock her new equestrian streetwalker look. miss barrymore, we hate to break it to you, but even a streetwalker wouldn't be caught dead in those ensembles.

it's a sad day when the da vinci code manages to weasel itself into the fashion world. doesn't anybody realize how completely cheesy that book is?

renee zellweger just can't resist musicians. first jack white, then damien rice and now paul mccartney? she's confessed she has a crush on the former beatle. sorry, renee, he's married.

"where's my kevipoo, ya'll? i bought this pretty pink sundress for him and the mother chucker can't even get his broke ass over here." britney spears admits that her first marriage to jason alexander was a cry to her parents and that she didn't realize that it was legally binding. guess she is as stupid as we all thought.

oh no, it's the unalohan! she and bruce willis must have used this disguise in order to frighten page six into taking back their story about the grope fest. page six are a bunch of cowards.

the piano man is back in rehab. billy joel's rep has confirmed that he is currently receiving treatment for alcoholism. it seems like he's been dealing with this issue for the longest time, doesn't it?

no surprise here: david beckham said that his wife, victoria is losing weight quickly after giving birth to their third son cruz. it's probably pretty easy to lose weight when you don't eat.

alicia, you're a lovely girl and all, but stay away from the peak-a-boo clothes from now on. you've definitely hit a sour note with this ensemble.

nicole kidman just can't resist the bad boys. she spent the weekend with her on-again/off-again boyfriend steve bing. earth to nicole - steve's relationship with elizabeth hurley ended with a paternity test. don't let that happen to you.

imdb news:

michael mann is realistic about the likelihood of trouble on the set of the miami vice movie with colin farrell and jamie foxx - he's budgeted for bail bondsmen.

salma hayek will be playing the role of a chubby lesbian serial killer. she must have her eyes on oscar.

scarlett johansson may be the babe in the next indiana jones flick. guess harrison likes em real young.

adam brody needs to give it up. camouflage only works in the woods. we all know you're dating rachel bilson, so just hold her hand instead of making her walk five steps behind. as the beatles would likely have told you, you're gonna lose that girl.

"degrassi: tng" fans - cassie steele (aka manny) isn't just a bad girl on tv. she's pretty naughty in real life too. read an article about her liquoring up minors here (via oh no they didn't).

it seems mary-kate olsen is a bit of a cheapskate. when she took her new puppy to the vet, she demanded that the visit be free as she had an old coupon from her ex-boyfriend, david katzenberg. you'd think with her checking account, she could afford to spread the wealth.

tara reid takes a break from protecting her image to hang out with a monkey. if she's got a monkey, she must be demure. everyone knows monkeys hate sluts, right?

remind us to boycott "one tree hill" (not that we watch it anyway). the show's dreamy male stars, chad michael murray and tyler hilton have been blowing up mice. yup, sounds like chad's definitely mature enough for marriage.

madonna's next album will feature a song called "i love new york". madge, if you love it so much, why don't you come home? we miss you here in america. london doesn't need you as much as we do.

apple martin travels in style. she uses two of the world's biggest stars as her method of transportation. what a lucky little gal.

thanks to one of our long-term readers, we bring you britpoppa's semi-weekly celebrity guessing game. now, if you all unveil the victim in 10 seconds, we have someone to blame! can you name the vixen in this picture? leave your guesses in the comments section and come back wednesday evening for the reveal. if you want to send us a picture for next week, email it to britpoppa at gmail dot com. cheers!

lindsay lohan looks like she would fit in quite well with patsy and eddy, doesn't she? with her fur coat, gaudy chanel bag and huge designer sunglasses, she's certainly absolutely fabulous.

celebrity injury updates: christina applegate has had to pull out of the boston run of her musical, sweet charity after breaking her foot during a chicago performance. prince william took a nasty spill from his horse during a polo match. though he emerged unharmed, the picture looks pretty painful.

i see london, i see france, i see sheryl crow's tatties. those paparazzi are sure mean aren't they?

napoleon dynamite's jon heder is not afraid of being pigeon-holed. he's signed up for a bunch more quirky nerd roles. it's good that he's realistic - given his mug, he's unlikely to be playing the lead in any romantic comedies soon.

as if you cared, rod stewart is engaged to his girlfriend penny lancaster after proposing to her at the top of the eiffel tower. the only interesting part is that he's still technically married to rachel hunter.

a knock on the head doesn't keep cameron from carrying her camera around. the 19 stitches she received when she fell from a chest of drawers do nothing to deter her from her mission to halt the paparazzi.

your favorite cartoon pop group is returning with their second album on may 24. not the archies or josie and the pussycats, but the far hipper gorillaz. dennis hopper will be doing a spoken word piece. should be interesting.

message to pete doherty: stop talking to the press. are you a junky and retarded?

britney spears has learned her lesson. she will no longer be revealing details of her personal life in interviews. but that's okay, she's sure to reveal plenty on her website on on the streets.

penelope cruz loads up a forkful of food just to make us all feel better about ourselves. how nice of her.

adrien brody to keira knightley: why don't we get drunk and screw?

another one bites the dust. actress sandra oh and her director husband, alexander payne have announced that they are separating. guess the relationship of the sideways team didn't get better with age.

gwyneth paltrow is eschewing any jealousy she may still hold by helping her former beau, brad pitt, reconcile with jennifer aniston. she's advised him to move back into their beverly hills home on a trial basis. yoga really helps bring out the best in people, doesn't it?

heidi klum looks as though she's got a bun in the oven. and star magazine confirms our suspicion. here's some more celebrity pregnancy news: pete sampras and his billy madison star wife, bridgette wilson are expecting their second child; former vanity fair it girl, gretchen mol is pregnant with her first child; and the donald's third wife, melania may soon be popping one out.

katie holmes and chris klein sure aren't acting like they've broken up. a defamer reader spotted them kissing passionately on the street. hmmm...

hilary swank has gone sour grapes over a little bit of fruit. she is contesting a $150 fine for bringing an apple and orange into new zealand and probably spending way more than $150 in the process.

scary movie 4? there isn't even a scream 4. someone needs to stop those wayans brothers. or at least convince them to do white chicks 2 first. get your priorities straight, bros.

mary-kate olsen has gotten a super sweet puppety to keep her company. never one to follow trends, m-k chooses a chocolate lab instead of a pocket-sized lap dog.