Tuesday, November 30, 2004

napoleon dynamite's jon heder might ditch his mormon morals tonight and drink his sorrows away. the lead actor in arguably this year's most successful independent film (so far) was snubbed when the independent spirit awards were announced today. his co-star jon gries did nab a supporting actor nod and director jared hess got a "best first feature" nomination. leading the pack, predictably, was critical darling sideways. also receiving attention were kinsey, maria full of grace and primer. to see the full list of nominees, click here.
now it's time for the britpoppa semi-weekly celebrity guessing game (a new feature at britpoppa)! look at the picture below and take a guess as to whom these crazy calves belong (not to mention those heinous boots). come back tomorrow night and see if you're right. you just might get a handsome reward.
leave your guesses in the comments section.
today's hart takes a moment to reflect on things that are ugly. and right now, all that is offensive to the eye is summed up in the use of sunglasses as a headband (especially indoors) and paris hilton with brown hair.

about a month ago, i was in a meeting and one of my colleagues was wearing her sunglasses as a headband (as modeled here by nsync's chris kirkpatrick). naturally, i was incredibly disturbed. first of all, it was late october and the sky's condition was certainly not such that protective eyewear would be necessary. secondly, she was indoors. and thirdly, she was indoors at a location other than the ymca. my place of work is not the sort that requires a rigid dress code; jeans are permitted any day of the week. still, sunglasses as a headband?

sunglasses as a headband ought only be allowed when one is outside in bright weather and needs to temporarily view the world via her natural sight, thus pushing the sunglasses away from her eyes (again temporarily). in extreme cases, a person may use her sunglasses as a headband should her hair be particularly wiley and unmanageable via any other means. when this style is attempted for additional purposes to utility, it immediately looks dated. please desist.

since these are supposed to be half-assed reviews, i'll let the gals from the jjb messageboard i read rip paris's new 'do to shreds. here are a few choice comments "it looks awful on her. nikki [sic] pulls the dark off much better." "she looks 50 years old in that photo." "i don't understand why she chops off her hair and then puts in a ton of weave." "the spray on tan and matching lip stick is gross." amen, ladies. i'll add my two cents by saying paris looks like a cheap transexual hooker. if you're going to have brown hair, go pale like renee. or at least go for a darker brown. there are no words for how awful this looks.
it seems like for every pound mischa barton sheds from her skeletal frame, her boyfriend, brandon davis, gains five. at this rate, he'll look like his brother jason by the time the revenge of the sith comes out.

women across america will have to save their triple orgasm for the theaters. george clooney has pulled out of public appearances for ocean's twelve, citing a ruptured disk. clooney was to be part of a eye candy exhibit (including co-stars brad pitt and matt damon) in the form of "entertainment tonight" coverage for the movie's numerous premieres.

certainly also going missing from the red carpet will be new mom, julia roberts. the birth of her first children wasn't exactly smooth sailing. she had an emergency c-section at 3 am. the twins were delivered a month before their due date, allowing julia to start testing out the skills she learned on the set of tearjerker, step mom.

mary-kate olsen is part of a love triangle involving former beau david katzenberg and new flame ali fatourechi. the two culminated their distaste for one another with a staring contest. tomorrow, they compete in an all-out opposite day battle to the death.

pamela anderson probably wasn't helping stephen dorff out with his "home improvement" when she left his malibu home early sunday morning. when asked to comment on the story, dorff said, "s.f.w!"

goddamn, no one beats the irish when it comes to throwing down over something stupid. the thrills got into a brawl with faithless's maxi jazz over a dance-off. that would be an awesome snl sketch.

the wizard's jenny lewis (i.e. rilo kiley's jenny lewis) is releasing her solo debut in summer 2005. wile you're waiting, you can see her on nearly every other "indie" record coming out until then. nothing tops a girl who can do the freddy.

the musical manchild is at it again. justin timberlake wasn't acting the part of committed boyfriend when he skinny dipped with some sexy video girls in palm springs. can't wait for cameron diaz to cry us a river in the pages of us weekly.

hairspray went from a stupid movie to a stupid musical. now it will become another stupid movie.

did wilmer leave lindsay for ex-girlfriend, mandy moore? does quentin taratino change his underwear? is the toddmeister working on a nicky hilton comedy routine? lloyd grove give you more questions than answers.

naomi campbell had another fit.

fresh from "sex and the city", or more likely his nyc bar, the cutting room, chris noth may replace ailing vincent d'onfrio on "law and order: criminal intent", reprising his role as detective in the original series.

avril lavigne's looking more like nicky hilton than deborah harry these days. or could it be she's looking like paris? boyfriend deryck whibley used to date the elder heiress and his tastes appear to be influencing the demi-sk8r grrl.

Monday, November 29, 2004

here's a message from your friendly neighborhood state stalker: michael ian black is hosting the late late show all this week at 12:35 am on the columbia broadcasting system. if you watch him, he might continue this gig as a permanent fixture. consider the guest possibilities! this week's line-up is as follows:

monday, november 29
ben stein
lara logan
aimee mann

tuesday, november 30
william shatner
penn & teller
peter cincotti

wednesday, december 1
henry rollins

thursday, december 2
mark addy
everclear

friday, december 3
magnet
chris martin and thom yorke have long been pleading to make trade fair. in this raucous photoshoot, they and many other celebrities, get down and dirty for the cause. one glaring omission: where is bono?

see the pics here (via the modern age).
scarlett johansson, who has been filming a woody allen movie in the uk for the last few months, has said of british men's courting style, "you sense it would take a guy forever to make up his mind about what to say. by the time they get there, you're gone." in that case, maybe donald would be more her style than shy mickey.

if you want to hear inxs, say they "need you tonight", keep your ears open, they'll soon be announcing 13 us dates for auditions to replace michael hutchence. if they choose you, you might end up being a "new sensation". just don't cry "bitter tears" if you wind up on the cutting room floor when they air the try-outs in a new reality series.

jay-z is hoping to move to brooklyn heights in order to be closer to the nets. he took his bentley and his momma with him house hunting in the posh neighborhood.

the only thing snarkier than britpoppa is a fashion designer. and if you put two of them together, you're bound for the double t: trouble and tantrums. you may have heard that beyonce is the new face of tommy hilfiger's true star fragrance. that in mind, it only make sense for the breakout star of destiny's child to wear his clothes, right? not according to mama knowles. she dresses beyonce exclusively and has taken her daughter's new collaboration so badly that she won't even be in the same room as tommy. we'll soon see who the survivor is of this bloody brawl.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

good news for julia roberts: she popped out her babies, freeing her up to lose that baby weight, so she'll look fabulous by the time those golden globe nominations roll in (can't wait until the hollywood foreign press give her double nods for her roles as tess in ocean's twelve and the narrator of the nanny diaries book on tape). anyway, she and her cinematographer husband, danny moder, gave the babies practically normal names by hollywood standards, hazel patricia and phinnaeus walter. mazel tov!

Friday, November 26, 2004

i'm sorry if i offended anyone with my one-legged bride comment. just so ya'll know, britpoppa loves people with all numbers of appendages, just not gold diggers.
i'm thankful that beyonce didn't check to see what the bright television lights on the set of "the view" would do to her sheer blouse. yowza.

colin farrell and angelina jolie also chose "the view" as as a forum to reveal something, their potential relationship. they were very cozy when they visited the program to discuss alexander, throwing around mutual compliments and holding hands.

it's too bad mcmanus died or stephen baldwin might actually be getting some work outside of reality television. a sequel to the usual suspects is in the works.

go figure, elizabeth berkley gets pissed when you ask her about showgirls. it's strange because mariah loves to talk about glitter.

tara reid is no stranger to sloppy seconds. right now, she's going after anna kournikova's ex husband, hockey player sergei federov.

kate beckinsale is considering sitting on the bench with hugh grant and renee zellweger. she wants to retire from acting and become a doctor. she might be better suited for the role of sexy nurse.

playboy is after a new bunny, nicolette sheridan. after nearly 20 years, she's still the sure thing.

paul mccartney and his bride, heather mills, will guest on a special christmas episode of the uk's "who wants to be a millionaire?" any proceeds will go to heather's landmine charity.

salma hayek may not have broken up with sweet home alabama's josh lucas after all. according to page six, they're looking to buy a downtown nyc apt.

back in his "wild" days, dustin hoffman did the deed in studio 54, but couldn't partake in the studio's drug of choice; he's allergic to nose candy.


what's an olsen twin without a huge sweater, balenciaga bag, stupid hat, cell phone and caffeinated beverage (make mk's diet, please)?

Thursday, November 25, 2004

britpoppa is spending the thanksgiving holiday waiting for the french bulldog to show up on the national dog show.

here's what some celebs are up to:
  • sandra bullock is cooking for boyfriend jesse james and his two sons in her home in georgia.
  • stanley tucci is not making any desserts.
  • katie holmes is competing in her family's "turkey trot" in ohio. chris klein will also be along for the ride.
  • mimi carey will likely be hitting up a restaurant after serving turkey to homeless families earlier this week.
  • madonna is shooting her versace ads in london.
  • shelley long will spend the holidays in the hospital after an alleged drug overdose and possible suicide attempt.
  • woody allen's wife, soon-yi, is staying out of the kitchen, at his request.
    jake gyllenhaal is spending thanksgiving with a new haircut. ugh.

    you can all let the turkey do its job and sleep soundly tonight, gisele's yorkie, vida is safe at home with her master. we know what the brazilian bombshell is thankful for this year, that no one saw taxi.

    temple university students in the "art and society" class who took off early for thanksgiving this week are kicking themselves. monday they missed out on surprise guest lecturer, marilyn manson.

    heidi klum is finishing up her target wake-up call duties tomorrow and moving on to mcdonalds. she will join destiny's child as a spokesperson for the fast food chain.

    daniel radcliffe's fans are pretty extreme. one came up to him wearing nothing but a harry potter towel and a sign that said "nothing comes between me and Harry Potter."

    beyonce is starting to make her feelings for jay-z public. the liner notes on the new destiny's child album read:
    To my baby, I'm your number one fan. U R so smart and talented it scares me sometimes. U inspire me to be better. U challenge me for the better. U R my muse. I'm so in love.
    j 'n b = tru luv 4eva!!

    want to know what size jeans all your favorite rail-thin actresses wear, check in to the 2nd annual celebrity blue jeans for genes auction from november 29 - dec 9. mk's a 25, ashley's a 26.

    is thighs wide shut muse and former foot model, elisha cuthbert cheating on her fiance and justin timberlake's personal assistant, trace ayala? she was "canoodling" with "seventh heaven" alum jeremy london.
  • Wednesday, November 24, 2004

    in 1994, i picked up a little nirvana bootleg called "nirvana: the eternal legacy". on it, were two songs that i thought might be the best they'd ever done, "molly's lips" and "son of a gun" (they were on "incesticide" too, but i didn't have that album). seven years later, i learned, in a somewhat embarrassing manner, that they were actually by a scottish group called the vaselines. in honor of the new nirvana box set, here are some original vaselines songs and their reciprocal nirvana covers (breaking my one mp3 a week rule already).

    the vaselines:
    Son of a Gun
    Molly's Lips


    nirvana:
    Son of a Gun
    Molly's Lips
    cbs's ailing, but precious show "joan of arcadia" is brining in the artilleries for february sweeps. their weapon of choice? one hilary duff. as she sings in "come clean", "let the rain fall down", in the form of huge ratings, that is.
    that vida is a cute one. let's get her home to her supermodel momma asap!

    for you perverts who keep visiting my site, here are those photos you've been searching for:
  • rosario dawson
  • coco johnsen
  • monique decormier
    now read some gossip like regular voyeurs.
  • is it just me or does emily browning, who plays violet in the lemony snicket movie, look a lot like lauren ambrose?

    when guy ritchie pisses off madonna, he sends her some jimmy choos. guess despite her new found spirituality, she's still a material girl deep inside.

    don't expect paris hilton to leave your television screens any time soon. she will be interviewed by barbara walters and featured on "south park" very soon. she'll also be invading the airwaves as soon as she can get that album finished.

    ivana trump is hoping the scissor sisters will remix her new disco album. this calls for another disco demolition night.

    rush and molloy's celeb tidbits (everyone loves a tidbit):
  • colin farrell's been passing the dutchi.
  • tom cruise has been enjoying musicals.
  • jennifer garner's been learning poker for her man.

    check out daniel radcliffe's (aka harry potter) underwater christmas card.

    i couldn't bring you this news item in a better way than defamer does:
    Desperate to plug the hole left by the end of Sex and the City, HBO gives SATC's Michael Patrick King's Lisa Kudrow vehicle Comeback a quick 13 episode order. HBO usually knows what it's doing, but does the phrase "Lisa Kudrow vehicle" scare you as much as it does us? It's not quite "David Schwimmer directs," but still.


    kwame jackson, of "the apprentice" fame, will host a business show on cnn.

    robbie williams made an "amazing revelation" on an argentinian radio show, he's slept with four of the five spice girls. methinks he has posh to go.

    bruce willis is suing those involved with a stunt that went wrong on his film, tears of the sun. the sun's not the only shedding tears, this action star is proving himself quite a little crybaby.

    ruben studdard pulls a lindsay lohan and gets hopitalized for exhaustion. dan rather pulls a tom brokaw and will give his last news report march 9, 2005.

    the only thing scarier than a britney/kevin baby is a star jones/al reynolds baby. wonder when she starts the artificial insemination process.

    jane kaczmarek is having a second hip replacement surgery. is she hiding an 80-year-old woman inside her? get this lady a medical alert bracelet, stat!

    little apple martin is growing up to be quite a british looking baby. here she is with mumsy last monday at the airport.
  • Tuesday, November 23, 2004

    britney's latest letter to her fans is a tribute to her mom.
    She would go to church every week like everyone else, but she always looked sexy in her black dress and she was the one all the other women would gossip about. She would come home and put on her size 2 shorts and a bikini top to wash the car & get a tan at the same time.
    now we know where she gets it. and fyi: lynne spears is so not a size 2.
    today's edition of hart is half-assed mostly because of its topic, gwen stefani's solo effort, "love.angel.music.baby". everyone is blogging about it these days, so i'm basically just jumping on the bandwagon.

    this album is likely the only one you'll ever hear that namedrops mario andretti alongside samples of martin luther king jr. and there's a reason for that: it's fucking weird. i'm still ruminating over it. i had initially been expecting (or rather hoping for) it to be somewhat brilliant. i was all ready to shell out my 10 bucks at best buy today when i listened to the record last night. i quickly rethought my plan. but upon subsequent listens, i decided that $10 minus my mcdonald's/best buy $1 coupon, might make the cd worth my while.

    "love..." reveals a raunchier gwen who uses the word "shit" like it's about to be retired from the english language and who wants to get in on in cars ("tonight i'm gonna give you all my love in the back seat"). we also see more of her inner fashionista with lyrics that include shout-outs to vivienne westwood, john galliano and yohji yamamoto. and don't forget her own clothing line. the album's title bears its name and she mentions l.a.m.b. in the vaguely annoying song "crash" among others. not since jay-z's "all i need" have we seen such crass cross-promotion in music. "hollaback" is relatively grating as well and "the real thing" starts out like a good new order (because they guest on it) or kylie song, but turns into one of the oz lass' rejects when you reach the pukeworthy chorus. eve's guest spot on "rich girl" does nothing to clear up the confusion as to why stefani would want to align herself with fiddler on the roof's tevye and "long way to go", featuring andre 3000, is pretty much an outkast song.

    this record's saviours are found in the reckless "bubble pop electric", the sheena easton/sheila e. relic, "serious" and the fast times at ridgemont high soundtrack-worthy number, "cool", not to mention the record's first single "what you waiting for". if there is any justice in this world and i think, at least for mrs. rossdale, there is, "cool" will be inescapable in the next few months. when gwen coos, probably to no doubt colleague and ex-boyfriend, tony kanal (who worked on the album with her), "i know we're cool," she proves pretty irresistible. so are many of "love..."'s tracks. if you're in for a bit of a ride, i recommend you pick it up (spending as little money as possible to do so, mind you).
    jfals hot damn, jimmy fallon was hurtin' back in his high school days. i hope that attempted mustache on the left never again sees the light of day.

    sharon stone has gotten ordained and performed her first wedding last weekend. being married by sharon stone is the only thing that approaches the horror of being married to sharon stone.

    on monday morning, jewel thieves snuck into the osbourne country home in england by climbing a ladder. ozzy wrestled with one of the intruders before he escaped. burglarized with a ladder? don't these people have a security system?

    mariah carey has something to share with us, a new name. she hopes that by having america call her "mimi", she may be able to save her career. fat chance.

    bless you spike tv: odb's reality show will still air next year.

    nic cage's 20-year-old bride doesn't know what the declaration of independence is. nic cage doesn't know what a mature relationship is.

    last night was a very special "everwood". not because amy and ephram finally did the deed, though. the special moment arrived when scott wolf shared the screen with his real-life bride, kelley limp of real world new orleans fame.

    red alert: cojo needs your kidney!

    lindsay lohan may open a restaurant to piss off ex-boyfriend wilmer valderrama. he told her that his new eatery was a boys only venture, despite including tara reid in the plans. lindsay's restaurant would make business partners out of ashlee and jessica simpson.

    radiohead's jonny greenwood is set to take over for franz ferdinand in the next harry potter film. he will join jarvis cocker at a hogwarts dance as a wyrd witch.

    gisele's yorkie has pulled a tinkerbell. her 7-year-old pet, vida, is missing.

    robin quivers is getting her own talk show. it will probably go the way of "the ananda lewis show", "gabrielle", "queen latifah show"... the list goes on and on.

    jamie lee curtis, blames her plastic surgery procedures (liposuction, botox) for causing her to become addicted to painkillers. couldn't be the pain goes along with being married to a far more talented person that herself.

    sheryl crow's stalker told her sister he had a "message from god" that told him they were soulmates. this may have proved too serious for sheryl. doesn't he know that all she wants to do is have some fun?

    wes anderson and noah baumbach fans: head to bar pitti. that's where they wrote most of the life aquatic.

    jlo has gone blonde and butch for her new music video.

    Monday, November 22, 2004

    britneypurse
    the only thing britney loves more than kevin is her new loop courtney guitar strap bag. jeez that thing gets a lot of mileage. the pop tart expressed her strong feelings toward the purse in the microsoft paint drawing that she sent exclusively to britpoppa. in other brit-related news, she's looking quite lovely again as a blonde.
    producer/songwriter terry melcher has died at 62. it was at his home where the manson family murders of sharon tate, et al. took place. the crimes may have been a message to melcher, who auditioned manson and decided to pass on him. the police decided this theory had no merit, but considering how badly manson wanted to be a pop star, i think it's silly to discount. p.s. i love serial killers.

    check out how the cute cover star of u2's "boy" and "war" has aged. not bad.

    beyonce's father (and manager) is not too fond of her jigga boyfriend. of jay-z he said, "he is not somebody i like to spend time with."

    no one can resist john stamos's charms on his new show.
    can you blame them?

    kevin smith and alanis morisette will appear on episodes of the badass "degrassi: the next generation". the tubby filmmaker was unable to convince friend, ben affleck, to star along side him.

    did the gottis pinch some 15-year-old rear or not? momma gotti, who is filing assault charges against the boy who beat the "c_ _p out" of her sons, claims the assailant was just jealous and that her angelic boys would never do such a thing. they wait until a girl is 16 before they start the butt pinching.

    dido is dating sienna miller's step-mother's ex-boyfriend, soccer player sol campbell. for the record, i am dating dennis hopper's easy rider co-star's look-a-like.

    the bush twins were ousted from nyc eatery freeman's and told that there would be no free tables for four years. you can pick your nose and you can pick your friend's nose, but you can't pick your parents.

    "oh baby, i love it. don't stop. go for it, girl. give it to me now." find out who inspired eminem to make "such sweet music".

    news of the world has the details on the biting and degradation that naomi campbell's latest personal assistant endured. personally, i love being bitten and insulted by supermodels.

    gwen stefani tried out for fight club.

    pictures of paris hilton kissing another girl will be published in hustler. and while mila jovovich's boyfriend sean lennon may not have been kissing another girl, he did hold hands with one, a newly-30 chloe sevigny.

    frankie muniz suffered a broken rib wile playing basketball last sunday. funny, i would have thought he'd have gotten the injury from fucking girls.

    ben widdicombe gives it to us straight:
  • nicky hilton might be stepping to maroon 5's adam levine, while bijou cheats on hyde via eskimo kisses with ashlee simpson.
  • ryan gosling loves the older women. his latest 40-something conquest, famke janssen.

    this season's apprentice girls have made their way to maxim. see more pics here and shed a tear that little stacy rotner didn't make the cut.
  • Sunday, November 21, 2004

    Friday, November 19, 2004

    if there's one subject a groupie knows a thing or two about, it's the members of rock bands (or rock stars' members). get a bit of their knowledge for yourself and find out how zack de la rocha likes to play with girls' hair and why you should make moby wear a raincoat if he decides to make your "bodyrock" (via oh no they didn't).
    last night on "the oc", among many other things, we learned that ryan likes journey. don't worry atwood, you're not alone. only a fool can resist the perfectly crafted power ballad.

    robbie williams exercised his infamous humility when promoting his greatest hits album in mexico. referring to george bush he said, "i should be president. i'd do a better job than him. and i'm not very bright, i'm not." this time, he may have been right. williams/minogue 2008!

    natalie imbruglia's "biggest fan" has brought stalking to an all new level. he asked the perky songstress if he could move in with her. i wonder what her silverchair husband thinks of that. i smell a "three's company" sequel.

    when trying out a penthouse in miami, beyonce did some topless swimming. here's the kicker: the neighbors complained. i thought everyone was topless in miami.

    imdb news:
  • salma hayek and ed norton may be back together. could it be he was sick of not getting noticed and is using his mexican ex-girlfriend to get back in the public eye? nah.
  • sean connery bought the moon buggy he used in diamonds are forever. hey connery, live in the past much?
  • sigourney weaver may be attempting to make her ripley role a reality as she booked a flight on richard branson's virgin galactic.
  • hugh grant and elizabeth hurley's film company goes the way of their romance.
  • tom cruise ruins mission impossible iii.

    george clooney's on-again girlfriend lisa snowdon slams the door in his face - twice!

    does my favorite retiring studmuffin news anchor swim in the buff? if he does, he doesn't want us to know about it. i love you, tom brokaw. you will be missed.

    naomi campbell and usher made their first public appearance as a couple at the mtv europe awards last night. insert "do it for poppy" joke here.
  • Thursday, November 18, 2004

    i have decided to start posting an mp3 a week, thus sort of becoming one of those mp3 blogs. don't expect any rhyme or reason to my picks, though. this one is a classic track off the ghostbusters soundtrack. straight from 1984, here come the thompson twins (who everyone knows was a trio) with "in the name of love".
    it's been a while since i've brought you what i learned in the express today and for that i am very sorry. because of the prolonged absence of this feature (it's been a week), i present you with this extra-long edition:

    penny pinching really can save you money. i have long scoffed at my mother and sister's "find a penny, pick it up" mentality, but they truly know what they're talking about. a 78-year-old ohio man lugged the 10,000 pounds of shiny lincolns that he had collected over the last 30 years to his local coinstar machine and came out with over $14,000. he used his prior penny collection to pay for his daughter's wedding in 1970.

    kirstie alley isn't the only person feeding her pets breastmilk. the difference? this new zealand woman is offering up her breast rather than a bottle to her bull terrier. she thought the treat would cause "honey boy" to protect her daughter.

    if you're a dc-area reader who fancies himself a fan of the nouvelle vague, the national gallery and la maison francaise are running a jean-luc godard retrospective. (especially good for students, this program scheduled many screenings on weekdays. guess i'll never see week end.) now through january 2nd. also, the new yorker college tour hit georgetown yesterday, but you can still catch david sedaris tonight, sonic youth saturday and various other intellectuals (that is, if you consider david sedaris and sonic youth intellectuals).
    diego clearly, you already read britpoppa and so you're hardly the audience to whom i would need to advertise. still, i have created an advertisement, just because it's fun. if you have a site and want to link to me, steal it. don't expect to see it anywhere else, though, i'm poor.
    i know it's a little early for hart, but i made a discovery that cannot wait until tuesday. you see, i just had my first mallomar ever, almost immediately followed by my second mallomar ever. i tell you, a treat this delicious only crosses your path once every decade. if you are a mallomar virgin, like i was only moments ago, you might not know that this cookie is basically a s'more, except much, much better. in an article for salon.com, king kaufman described them as follows,
    A little circle of graham cracker with marshmallow on it, surrounded, smothered -- no, embraced -- by a slightly brittle shell of dark, luscious chocolate. Enrobed. That's the word.
    read the whole story here and rush to your local convenience store asap to try them for yourself. i can think of nothing that would make a better companion for tonight's new episode of "the oc".